When one thinks of friendships portrayed in the Bible, one immediately thinks of Jonathan and David. Jonathan and David, perhaps, are the most celebrated friendship, not only in the Bible, but in all of literature. And it is no wonder! 1 Samuel 20 reveals the intense loyalty these two men of God had for each other. Yet, theirs was an unlikely friendship - Jonathan being the heir to the throne in Israel and David being God's choice to inherit the throne. Furthermore, theirs was a friendship that flourished in the midst of difficult times. The land was ravished by war. Jonathan's father Saul, the king, was in a dismal condition. And the future of Israel was seemingly uncertain. In the midst of this, they stood by each other to their own hurt -- Jonathan willing to give up the crown for David and David vowing a perpetual love that extended to Jonathan's descendants. The Scripture states that 'The soul of Jonathan became bound to the soul of David.' They were bound together in a strong friendship appropriate for men. They saw life the same - through faith in God.
What a beautiful yet rare relationship! Why don't we see more of this kind of friendship in the church today? It has been my observation that for most people today - especially men - having good close friendships is the exception not the rule. This indeed is a tragedy! And yet with the increase of the "Me First" culture, a lack of true friendship, even in the church, is rather predictable. A decline in integrity, faithfulness, and love will necessarily produce a selfish and individualistic culture. And such a culture will dampen true friendships.
On a surface level we might say that almost everyone has "friends" - people they party with, play sports with, shop with, go to school with etc... But there has to be something more substantial than common activities or interests for a relationship to qualify as a true friendship. For those types of common things make weak bonds between people and are easily torn apart by time, distance, and changing circumstances.
What are some key qualities in a strong friendship?
Let's survey a few!
Faith in God is essential.
True, unwavering believers in Jesus Christ are the only ones with which you can have a full and meaningful friendship. What was at the center of David and Jonathan's relationship? They had an intense desire to do God's will. What got them excited? Acts of faith in God drew them close to each other. David slew Goliath and Jonathan attacked a well protected Philistine garrison single handedly with only the assistance of his armor bearer. What did they admire the most in each other? Zeal for the Lord! Between believers, nothing is a stronger bond then the bond of the Holy Spirit of God. 2 Corinthians 6:15 asks "What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? The answer? The same thing that light has in common with darkness or the temple of God has with idols. Nothing of real lasting value! Fellowship in the Lord is the basis of Christian friendship. You can and should be a friend to an unbeliever at times. That is, you need to do good to them, give them a listening ear, stand by them when they go through trouble and be an example of the love of Christ. But you can never have an intimate friendship with them, because they don't have Christ in their minds & hearts. And if you do bond closely to that type of person, it only shows how little Christ means to you. For if you love Christ, you seek to be around those who are most like Him and most want to honor Him. Believers share the same God, the same Lord, the same life, the same truth, the same mission, the same love, the same calling, the same ememy, and the same future inheritance. That's a lot in common! The Holy Spirit lives in us. He teaches us. He fills us. He comforts us. And He grants us gifts to serve each other. So it is among believers - and believers alone -- even with all their faults - that you will find the quality friendships you desire.
Yet a second quality to look for and to have toward your friends is Loyalty or Faithful Love.
Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." A friend is always available, and also a brother will be there when you are in greatest need. Both friend and brother are praised here for their faithfulness. A true friend loves constantly - not when it suits them - not when it is easy - but at all times! They are especially appreciated when they are most needed. Character really matters in friendships. Many may laugh with you and enjoy going out and doing things with you, yet those shared experiences alone do not make good friends. With youth, often the funny guy in class or the pretty girl or the amazing athlete is the favorite pick of others as a friend. But they might be too enamored with their own greatness to be a loyal friend for you. Choose your friends wisely!
Another attribute to look for is Honesty.
Proverbs 27:6 "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." Why would an enemy kiss you? To be deceptive of course! Need we be reminded of Judas who betrayed the Son of Man with a kiss? Yes, but why would a friend wound you? Because he knows you need the wound, and he wants to help you. See, a friend knows you. He knows your strengths and weaknesses. He knows your likes and dislikes. He knows your sinful tendencies. And he can tell when you are letting yourself be lured from the right path into danger and destruction. Good friends are straight forward with you because they care enough to tell you the truth. True friends won't just go along with any of your ideas. Friendships take risks in pursuit of greater friendships. Covet friends who are honest with you!
Another quality to look for in friends is Wisdom.
Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Iron was used to sharpen other iron weapons and tools. Constructive criticism and exchange of ideas and the challenge of personal example between friends will sharpen the character or wisdom of the other. No man should attempt to be an island unto himself. The people who are good to have as friends are the people who improve you - not financially - but improve your character. They rub off the rough edges, round off our imbalances, and sharpen our effectiveness. We should be looking for those who will sharpen us not let us stay dull. Who will help you become more disciplined and overcome bad habits? Who will set a good example for you of kindness and concern? Who will help you hunger and thirst for righteousness? If you just want people who are exactly like you - who make you comfortable - you are not going to have friends who challenge you to grow. Proverbs 13:20 instructs "He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." You want friends that will help you develop wisdom not just those who have things in common with you.
Another quality to look for is Sensitivity.
Proverbs 25:17 "Let your foot rarely be in your neighbor's house, lest he become weary of you and hate you." Be sensitive to your neighbor's needs. Some won't say, "It is time for you to leave." So you have to be careful not to overstay your welcome. Such presumption will be taken not as a gesture of friendship but as a selfish act. Don't force yourself into a friendship. Let God develop it. Insensitivity is also seen when friends forget to rejoice with you when you have a joyful experience.
One last attribute to look for is Forgiveness.
Henry Ward Beecher once said, "Keep a fair sized cemetery in your backyard, in which to bury the faults of your friends." Sensitivity is so valuable in developing friendships yet so is forgiveness. In fact without forgiveness no friendship will last."